What did the banana say to the vibrator?
“What are you shaking for? I’m the one she’s going to eat!”
Jokedump.com caters to the easily amused. I’m not one of those people who start to giggle uncontrollably whenever someone stands up and proclaims “So a German, a Brit and a Belgian walk into a bar…” Just try me: post a joke in the comments, and I’ll be honest enough to tell what made me laugh out loud. Quite a challenge.
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The US Government in Action:
It was autumn, and the Native Americans on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the US National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.” The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”
Thank you; thank you very much!
No… Please, don’t get up.
SOFA
Okay, I’ll admit: that produced a sniff-giggle, close to a LOL ;-)
Two guys talking about what they’ve bought their wives for Christmas;
“I’ve bought my wife a pair of slippers” says the first guy.
“Me too” says the second guy “and I’ve also bought her a vibrator”
The first guy pauses for thought and then says “isn’t that a bit of a strange combination?”
The second guy says “Well, if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself”
Ian: close but no cigar!
no cigar eh ?
here’s an even worse one then, continuing the festive theme:
Q. Who’s afraid of Santa?………….
A. Noel Coward
(geddit? oh, never mind!)
“Sniff/giggle” huh?
Okay, a German, a Brit, and a Belgian are out in the woods at dawn for a bit of deer hunting. After sitting quietly for a couple of hours, the German say, “Ach! You wouldn’t believe what I had to promise the wife so I could join you guys… Next week end, I have to completely repaint both bathrooms and the upstairs bedroom”.
“You got off easy”, said the Brit. “Next weekend, I have to clean out, repaint, and rearrange the garage – after I finish building a new deck off the back door.”
The Belgian remained silent thru-out all of this. Finally, the German asked the Belgian what tasks he had to perform for his morning of deer hunting. “It wasn’t all that bad”, the Belgian replied. “I simply woke up at 3:30AM, and asked the wife ‘deer hunting, or sex’?”
She told me to bring a warm sweater…”
SOFA
An Italian, a Frenchman and a Scotsman were discussing their prowess with the ladies:
The Italian claimed that he was the greatest lover, taking his time and being attentive to the womans needs, ensuring that all her desires were fulfilled and claiming that his ladies were so satisfied with his performance in bed that they actually glowed with delight.
The Frenchman however believed that he was the better lover and gave examples of how romantic he was and the lengths that he would go to to satisfy his ladies every wish. He claimed that when he had made love to a woman they actually levitated above the bed through the sheer pleasure of the lovemaking.
Throughout all this, the Scotsman had remained silent and the focus soon turned upon him with the Italian and Frenchman enquiring about his performance in the bedroom.
The Scotsman somewhat reluctantly told them that most nights he would go out to the pub until closing time, get a fish supper as he staggered home. His wife would already be asleep in bed but he would waken her as he stumbled around getting undressed, then he would give her a quick shag lasting about 40 seconds, get out of bed and wipe off his dick on the curtains.
The Italian and the Frenchman were incredulous and asked what happens next?
The Scotsman replied “She hits the fuckin’ roof!”